Are you hurt or confused by your husband yelling at you? You may find yourself wondering “why does my husband yell at me”?
This behaviour can be hurtful and distressing and can lead to a breakdown in the relationship or mental health issues. You likely still love your partner and want to find a way to stop his yelling from damaging your relationship.
This article is written to help those in a relationship where both parties are open to making changes. If you feel that your husband’s behaviour is abusive, you should seek individual support. Yelling can be considered abuse if you don’t feel safe, experience frequent name-calling or insults, or feel isolated or controlled.
This article outlines some reasons why your husband may be yelling and what to do if your husband is yelling at you. We hope this article will support you in creating a healthier relationship with your husband.
Why does my husband yell at me?
You may find it difficult to understand why your husband yells. Especially if you were raised in a household where yelling was avoided or not normal. This behaviour may also be of concern if it suddenly occurs and seems out of character. Remember that most of the time the yelling isn’t about you.
These reasons listed here are not excuses. Understanding the possible reasons for your husband’s yelling provides perspective and helps with communication around the issue.
Stress. There may be hidden stress underlying his outbursts. Your husband may feel under a lot of pressure. This pressure can become worse if he is unable to talk about or release his stress.
Difficulty managing intense emotions. Stress is often amplified due to an inability to manage emotions. Your husband may be feeling a lot of frustration, anger, or shame that he is unable to process. This can lead to outbursts as many of us have never learned to manage strong emotions. Your husband’s yelling may also arise if he has difficulty facing an intense emotion that you are experiencing and expressing. He might need some anger management tips or external support?
Communication issues. If your partner has trouble expressing himself, he may become frustrated as a result of feeling unheard. He may also be unable to understand and consider your perspective if he cannot listen during communication. Your husband may raise his voice or yell if he doesn’t know another way to communicate effectively.
Lack of purpose in life. Frustration with life can lead to yelling in a relationship. You may like to consider if your husband is feeling excessively frustrated because he isn’t living a life driven by his purpose. This built-up frustration can lead to unexpressed anger that may result in yelling.
To gain control. Yelling may be used as a way to get you to do what your husband wants out of fear. If your husband was brought up in this way, he may not know how to get his point across in a healthy way.
There is also the possibility that your husband wants to dominate the conversation to gain control of the relationship. If this is the underlying reason it can be very difficult to manage and the yelling could become verbal abuse.
What to do if my husband is yelling at me?
After understanding some of the possible reasons why your husband is yelling at you, let’s explore what you can do to resolve the issue.
1. Address your concerns.
First, try having a conversation about it when you are both in a good mood. Try not to assume that the conversation will go badly. Centre the conversation around how you’re feeling without criticising or judging your partner. Rather than focusing solely on the issue of his yelling talk about how you both can improve your communication. Make sure that you are clear about the changes you want to see.
2. Set boundaries for yourself.
It's important that you create clear boundaries around this issue. Let your husband know that his yelling is unacceptable, even if he is hurt or angry. Make sure he knows why this is important to you.
If this is difficult, doing inner work to resolve unhealthy beliefs may help. Remember, his yelling is not your fault.
3. Practice the window of tolerance
Healthy communication requires both of you to feel safe and aware, this is the window of tolerance. When one or both people are in fight or flight or have shut down, they are unable to communicate effectively. Learn to recognise defensiveness or blaming that may trigger a fight or flight response in one another.
Identify ways to help your husband stay within his window of tolerance. You may need to walk away temporarily. It also helps to learn how to regulate yourselves with breathing and mindfulness practices.
4. Identify the problem
Together identify the underlying factors behind the breakdown of communication using the reasons listed above. Listen to the areas of life he is unhappy with and try to understand one another without getting defensive. The issue needs to be accepted before you can start moving forward.
If your husband has trouble talking about his emotions, encourage him gently to share what he is feeling. Help him to uncover and manage any strong emotions he may be struggling with. This will take time and seeing a relationship counsellor can help.
It may also help to have a conversation about his goals and life direction to help improve his confidence.
What if your husband doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong or isn’t actively working towards making the change? Here you have a difficult decision to make. Remember that you can’t change someone’s behaviour for them and it’s not up to you to fix or allow this behaviour.
Finally, all of this will require some patience. Realise that it may take time to resolve the issue of your husband yelling at you. However, it is possible, as long as your husband is truly committed to working on it together.
Remember to encourage him when you can see him making small changes to improve his behaviour. Helping him to feel seen, heard, and appreciated can make a big difference.
Redlands Counselling Service provides expert support and guidance to help couples resolve communication issues. Please don’t hesitate to contact us to discuss how we can best support you with relationship counselling.