My Partner Won’t Come to Relationship Counselling – How Can I Influence Them?
- Matthew Vincent
- May 6
- 4 min read
Influence is all we can ever do. In healthy relationships, we can't control or demand our partner’s compliance. Threats, ultimatums, or emotional pressure often backfire. What does work—genuinely—is influence built on empathy, connection, and mutual respect.
History offers a cautionary tale. The brilliant physicist Albert Einstein, known for his theories of relativity, was far less successful in love. In 1914, he presented his wife, Mileva Marić, with a list of demands if she wished to remain in the marriage. These included requirements such as:
You will stop talking to me if I request it.
You will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I ask.
You will expect no affection or intimacy from me.
You will not speak to me unless necessary.
Understandably, Mileva refused to live under these rigid conditions and left him soon after. Einstein’s attempt at controlling his relationship through demands led to emotional distance and eventual separation.
The lesson? Lasting connection cannot be forced. If we want to change something in our relationship—like attending counselling together—we must offer influence, not control.
Relationship challenges are a natural part of any long-term partnership. When couples face recurring issues, many people turn to relationship counselling for support, hoping to rebuild connection, strengthen communication, and resolve conflict. But what happens when only one person is willing to take that step?
If you’re ready to seek help but your partner is hesitant—or flatly refuses—it can feel frustrating and disheartening. However, this situation is more common than you might think. At Redlands Counselling Service, we frequently work with individuals and couples navigating this very dilemma.
The good news is that there are compassionate and effective ways to influence your partner without pressure or conflict.
Understand Their Reluctance
Before trying to persuade your partner, it’s important to understand their resistance. Are they worried about being blamed? Do they see counselling as a sign of failure? Are they simply uncomfortable talking about emotions with a stranger?
Common concerns include:
Fear of being “ganged up on” by the therapist and their partner.
Belief that therapy means the relationship is broken.
Discomfort with vulnerability.
Concerns about cost, time, or not knowing what to expect.
Instead of trying to “convince” your partner, aim for a gentle, open conversation. Ask how they feel about couples counselling, and listen with empathy—without jumping in to fix or defend. This helps create emotional safety, which is key to moving forward.
Choose the Right Time
Timing and tone are everything. Avoid bringing up counselling in the middle of an argument or when your partner is already stressed. Choose a quiet, calm moment when you're both feeling more connected.
You might say:
“I love you, and our relationship is really important to me. I’d love for us to talk to someone who can help us feel closer and more supported. Would you be open to trying a session together?”
Keep your tone soft and supportive, and allow your partner time to reflect.
Focus on Shared Goals, Not Problems
Many people fear therapy will focus only on what’s “wrong.” Instead, frame couples therapy as a way to build on the strengths of your relationship and move toward shared goals—such as better communication, deeper intimacy, or fewer arguments.
You could say:
“I think we both want to feel more connected and less stuck in old patterns. Therapy isn’t about blame—it’s about building something stronger together.”
This can reduce defensiveness and make the idea feel like a team effort, rather than a critique.
Be Open About Your Own Journey
It helps to show that you’re committed to your own growth too—not just focused on changing your partner. You might share:
“I’ve been thinking about the kind of partner I want to be, and I know I still have things to learn. I’d love for us to work on this as a team.”
This shows that counselling isn’t about pointing fingers, but about building something together.
Respect Their Autonomy
If your partner isn’t ready, respect their boundaries. Try something like:
“I understand if this doesn’t feel right to you just now. I just wanted to share what I’ve been thinking, because this relationship matters a lot to me. If you ever want to talk about it again, I’m here.”
This removes pressure, and ironically, makes it more likely they’ll revisit the idea when they’re ready.
Keep Working on the Relationship Yourself
Even if your partner doesn’t attend couples counselling, you can still make changes. As one half of the relationship, your growth can influence the dynamic. Learning new communication skills, managing your reactions differently, and showing consistent empathy can shift things in positive ways.
At Redlands Counselling Service, we support many clients who start alone and later find their partners become curious or more willing to join the process.
Final Thoughts
W hile you can’t force someone into relationship counselling, you can influence through care, understanding, and consistent effort. By creating emotional safety and modelling your commitment to the relationship, you may help your partner feel more open to the idea in time.
And if they still decline, individual counselling near me (such as sessions with Redlands Counselling Service) can still provide powerful insight, support, and direction as you navigate your next steps.
Ready to Work Together?
If you’d like professional guidance on how to approach your partner, or if you’d like to begin your own relationship journey, Matt from Redlands Counselling Service is here to help.
🔹 Located in Capalaba in the Redlands, QLD – available in person and online
🔹 Specialising in relationship counselling, individual therapy, and couples therapy in Redlands
Contact Redlands Counselling Service today to schedule a confidential session.
Email: Redlandscounselling@gmail.com or call 1300 241 667
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